UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
