Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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