Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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