dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
