I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think my moral compass just broke
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
