if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
