I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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