hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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