Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
