Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
