My room smells like vodka and shame
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
