i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize