i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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