I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
