there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
