I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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