between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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