Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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