And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
