I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
