so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
