I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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