i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
