My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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