I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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