i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
