Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
