My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
