my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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