so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
