The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
