Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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