Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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