So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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