I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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