She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
