So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
