did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
