its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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