I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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