Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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