My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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