it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
