sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
