life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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