You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
