Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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