Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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