The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
