This is not my ceiling
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He shit in the fireplace
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize