I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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