I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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