just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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