i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
