thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
