the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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