He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
